2021 - My Year of Home

2021 - My year of "Home"

I typically take the time to reflect on my previous year early in the year... when the calendar flips from December to January... A new year, a new word, new intentions and a renewed sense of wanting to just being better than I was the year before.

This year, however, it took me a little longer to work through my process of wrapping up the previous year and settling into a new word and its impending new intentions. Perhaps it was a trust thing? Afterall, in March of last year, everything did go to hell in a handbasket... We sure didn't see that coming.

This year, I let myself off the hook, I set down the pressure, offered myself a whole lot of grace and I took my time to figure out the meaning behind all the lessons hidden in 2020, and allowed my next right path to fully reveal itself when it was ready.

So, here we are on the day I celebrate my 50th birthday , and I am ready to share my path forward for the rest of 2021.

In January of 2020, I declared my word of the year to be "centred" and in doing so, I set these intentions...

  • less mindless scrolling and more intentional reading
  • less rushing and more stillness
  • less chaos and more zen
  • less pleasing others and more taking care of my spirit
  • less yes and more no
  • less feeling obligated and more feeling inspired
  • less of "what's going on out there" and more of "what's going on in here"
  • less meetings and more family game nights

You can read more about that here

When I made these declarations and set thee intentions in January of 2020, I had no idea what March of that year would bring. I had no idea that life, as I knew it was about to drastically change, that most of the world would shut down and go into isolation for over a year. In fact, when I review my intentions for 2020, it makes me shake my head a little in a bit of an "Oi... be careful what you wish for" sort of way.

For many of us, 2020 will always be looked back upon as a year of loss...  Loss of innocence, loss of livelihoods, loss of connections, and tragically the loss of many many lives... So many times throughout the last year I have asked "WTF? how did we, as a human race, become SO fragile?" Under that existential question to the universe existed my own fears, my own worry, and my own deep sadness about not be able to be around or hug the people I was missing so dearly. It has been so hard on us all.

And yes, our family was not immune to losses brought on by 2020. Our family suffered periods of unemployment, periods of uncertainty, periods of worry, periods of health concerns and periods of sadness at having to cancel some life milestone celebrations. and frankly... I am SO sick of having to make daily decisions about what is safe for my family. 

Our decision, as a family was to live by the rule - when you find yourself in a circumstance you don't like... You have two options:

  • You change your situation
  • or you change how you look at it.

While we knew we had very little power to change the fact that we were in a global pandemic, we knew our only solution was the second option.

With that in mind, we, at the insistence of my Rokstar husband, spent time looking for the good, seeking out and acknowledging all the things we had to be grateful for rather than choosing to only see the bad. We were quickly reminded that that periods of darkness and loss ALWAYS contain within it, some very precious gifts. 

Our kids got the hang of this quickly... They made it FUN... Through their example they made it so easy to see all the gifts hidden inside the adversities. We watched movies, we learned TikTok dances and we laughed.

We experienced so many beautiful moments of connection disguised as "family game nights".  

We ate on a folding table for nearly a month so our kitchen table had room for our huge quarantine puzzle...

We managed to celebrate our 2020 graduate in our own private way...

I became part owner of a brick and mortar retail store.

We read books on the beach...

We even managed to organize a socially distant outdoor concert
With our Beaumont Blues and Roots Festival Team.

We quickly got used to getting what was normally a weeks worth of sleep in one single night. We stopped rushing through our days and through our lives, and took time to really experience each moment. We slowed down, we tightened our family unit, and we noticed the birds that loved to hang out in our backyard. We gardened, and we painted and we finally got all those little jobs done around the house that had previously been put off indefinitely. We walked, we sat on the deck to drink coffee, and we got reacquainted with each other in ways we never made time for before.

Yes, there was sadness, and loss, and worry... There were periods of unemployment, cancelled markets, and some health glitches...

My husband spent a little time in hospital for a non covid related issue...

A month later, I spent a little time in hospital myself...

But as always, we picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off, and carried on.

We had a zoom Christmas with our family..

and we celebrated a quiet New Years in...

While I couldn't have ever imagined the intentions I set for myself at the beginning ot 2020 to have been fulfilled so fully in the ways that they were, I think I can honestly let the sun set on my year of "Centred", and open myself to set some new intentions for the year that is unfolding.

2021 is my year of "Home"

In my adult life - the past 32 years... I have lived in 14 different houses. 14 times the backdrop of my life and my life experiences changed... Sometimes it was a happy and welcome change, but sometimes it was not.

What I have learned is this. 'Home' has very little to do with the walls you reside in... It has very little to do with the colour of your decor, the tile in your bathroom, or the finish on your countertops... It isn't about being an apartment, a town home, a bungalow or a two story... All of that stuff is just a backdrop... it is finite, and it is so damn temporary. All that stuff could be sold, upgraded, left behind, burned down or taken away...

'Home' is actually the safe environment where you and your family thrives. It is a place of honesty, openness, and mutual respect. It is where we love, where we mess up, where we learn and where we lean. It is a safe place to test boundaries, to disagree, and to find our confidence. It is where we really see, really hear and strive to fully understand one another. It is the sturdy launch pad for big dreams. It is a place where we can each be fully accepted as ourselves ... without fear, without judgement, and with open arms. In it can be found the fiercest protector, those with the most enthusiastic encouragement, and the softest place to land. It is nurturing, it is kind, it is accepting, it is loving, it is supportive, and it is solid. 

'Home' is unconditional, it is infinite, and it is far greater than anything that could ever be contained by or confined within any walls... Home is what is important... and the house is just the backdrop.

These walls are my house... but these people... these people are my Home... and that exists in any time, and in anyplace and anywhere. Home is not dependant on walls or structure. Home is infinitely so much more than that. We have made this... we have created this for ourselves and our family.

However, somewhere along the way, in my own healing journey within the safety of this Home I have worked so hard to create... I have come to a shocking realization. I realized that over the course of my life... as I acted in response to shame, blame, feelings of inadequacy, self doubt, and fear, I have turned away, hidden, banished and rejected SO many precious parts of myself.

This lead to so many questions... How could I possibly show up fully for my family, for my marriage, for my business, or for my life... when so much of me is shamefully banished and exiled because those parts did not fit into the "please, perform, repeat" pattern I so eagerly lived by? Where is my Joy? Why can't I access it...? Why am I so damn hard on myself? Why can't I figure this out...?

I have been sitting with these questions for a lifetime... But with great intention for the past three months. How do I fix this? Why would I want to even try to accept all the parts of myself? How do I even begin? I am SO proud of the 'Home' we have created for our family... 

Which lead to the question... Is it possible that I need to create this ideological Home within me? A safe place for all these banished parts of myself? 

It was that question that set off the "jackpot" bells inside of me... I knew I had my answer... and I knew I now had to do this work...

This is the year I unlock the doors and let them swing wide open as I call all exiled parts of myself to come back Home. Home to me. I stand at this door, full of grace... and I welcome them with open and apologetic arms. I offer them safety and kindness with a loving heart. It is the year I create space within myself where all these parts can thrive, a place of honesty, openness, and mutual respect... a place where all these parts can be fully accepted, without fear, and without judgement... and all of me is welcome here... all of me is needed here.

  • the introverted and quiet parts
  • the loud and opinionated parts
  • the shy and unsure parts
  • the loving and affectionate parts
  • the self doubting and insecure parts
  • the angry, frustrated, and fed up parts
  • the fearful and afraid parts
  • the awkward, geeky and nerdy parts
  • the parts that seem to say the wrong things
  • the parts that know the right things to say
  • the shame filled and imperfect and disconnected parts
  • the dreaming, hopeful and excited parts
  • that parts that don't want to rock the boat and the parts that want to burn it down
All the parts that I know and all the ones I have yet to meet... It is time to come Home. The doors are open... There is a place for you here. It is safe for you here.

This is the year that I learn to peel back yet another layer of what it means to be fully comfortable living in my own skin. Where I continue to learn what it means to be fully myself. Where, instead of turning away from myself, I have the courage to turn towards and embrace all the parts of myself... Where we lock arms, become whole and fully step into the woman we are meant to be for our act two.... Knowing that the most powerful place we can be in is when we are fulling living within our bodies.

Creating my beautiful life remains my highest calling.

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1 comment

Oh my. Your art and the message I received in my heart from it moved me to tears today at the Painted Door. And now as I read your reflection I am so moved again. You have so many gifts. There is artistry in your words. What a beautiful reflection encompassed with much food for thought for many. Thank you. I’m grateful our paths and our souls met today. In a little shop. In Beaumont Alberta :)


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